Let me start this post with a question – What is the BEST way to choose our lifetime partner?
You may have your own answer, or maybe not. Indeed, I do think that there are no definite systems or standard of operation manual to choose a perfect, best lifetime partner. Romance novels or flirting manuals sold at the market are all mess – more on fictional side than practical.
What I mean here is choosing our future husband or wife.
Again, we are stuck in this greatest decision-making in our life. If it is wrong at the very beginning, we will suffer until the end. Choosing someone to be our future husband or wife is not like choosing chicken or fish at pasar basah, or like buying mobile phone at gadget shop. Chicken, fish and mobile phones are all tangible – we can see the good and bad side physically. Although human being is also tangible at a sense we can touch and feel his or her, the good and bad side of he or she is not easy to be seen by naked eyes.
Confused? Do not feel bad, you are not the only one. Indeed, there are many souls who are feeling lost out there.
I like to raise this particular issue because nowadays I have received so many cases about love problems. Most of the facts are revolving on wrongly choosing the partner, which lead to breakups in the relationship. They asked me if there is any practical solution or system to choose our lifetime partner. How to choose and select a person who will take care and responsible in his or her action?
One of my trusted friends had expressed her view, which I think very interesting. She said that being a woman is harder than being a man because a man knows what he wants (in this case, the girl he wants) but a woman does not really know who the best man is. Frankly, although I am a man, I really agree with her statement.
Woman has only ONE chance to prove her true love. I think you understand it very well, no further explanation needed. A man can date a lot of woman without losing his ‘value’ very much, but it is a different story for a woman – if many men already ‘touch’ and ‘feel’ her, the value is deteriorating. Remember, a man could be a playboy or womanizer, but when it comes to choose his lifetime partner, a woman who will be the mother for his children, definitely, he will try to find a woman who is pure, ‘untouchable’.
Thus, a woman, as my best friend said, has to be CAREFUL in choosing the partner. I totally agree, and it should be like that from the very beginning. Now back to the question – What is the best way to choose our lifetime partner?
Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h mentioned in a hadith that woman is like tulang rusuk (sorry, I cannot recall the English word) which is naturally in a curve shape (bengkok). If you tried to straighten it, the bone will break, but if you just let it as it is, it will remain bengkok. This hadith is actually incorporating a very strict reminder, indirectly, that every man should treat woman with full of care, not with force and at the same time, giving guidance to them so they will be on the right track. In other words, a man should be fully responsible and ready to give a full of support and care if he is really wanted to make his chosen woman as his lifetime partner. It sounds very easy, but actually, it is very hard and tough.
Men out there, I would like to remind you (and myself too), please do not playing fool with women feeling or ruined their life! If you do that, you are actually violating the responsibility that Allah has given to us! If another man does the same thing to your mother or sister, can you accept it? Think!
To quote one of the novel jiwang that I read (cannot remember the title):
Hawa dicipta dari tulang rusuk Adam, bukan dari kepalanya untuk dijadikan atasnya, bukan dari kakinya untuk dijadikan alasnya, melainkan dari sisinya untuk dijadikan teman hidupnya, dekat pada lengan untuk dilindunginya dan dekat dihati untuk dicintainya.
For the woman, I strongly recommended that if a man proposed you to be his lifetime partner, do not accept it on the spot. Yes, you may say that my advice is ridiculous, but in my humble opinion, it is the best for the sake of your future days. A good and responsible man will give the woman an ample time to think carefully and let her gives the answer later. He will not in hurry. One of my friends from UiTM Shah Alam gives her comment,
Eh, of course la saya tak akan bagi jawapan pada masa tu juga. At least bagi masa dulu! Untuk sesuatu perhubungan yang (akan) terjalin berilah masa untuk saling kenal hati budi masing-masing, bukan terus terima macam tu jer. Sebabnya simple, setiap wanita inginkan lelaki yang sempurna untuk dijadikan teman hidup, hubungan tu biarlah kekal ke akhir hayat, dan bukan untuk mengisi masa lapang.
She also gives her advice, which I think very meaningful,
Ingat, sekali hati wanita terluka, tidak mudah untuk diubati! Sekali terlajak perbuatan atau kata, bukan mudah untuk wanita menerima even lelaki itu sangat menyesal dan ingin kembali kepada wanita itu. Hatinya untuk lelaki yang berjaya curi hatinya tetapi bila lelaki itu telah melukai dan mengguris hati wanita, bukan mudah untuk memaafkan…
An ample time given will enable the woman to analysis and evaluating the man from both sides – good and bad. Remember, that man might be her lifetime partner, and she needs a very careful thinking before sealing a decision, which is irreversible. That is why, I often tell my friends and clientele – if you like someone, starts it with friendship, and gets to know him or her in the process before proposing.
I said that based on my observation and experience, and that is exactly what will I said if someone asked for my advice. I practice it too.
Dr. Muhammad Akhyar Adnan, one of my respectable lecturers, mentioned that marriage is like a gamble, as we never know the outcome. Yes, indeed, somehow it is true, but not really a gamble. Marriage is a gamble if we do not exercise full care when choosing our partner – during those coupling time he or she is very nice and helpful, but after getting married, all are upside down. Is that what we want?
Risk is unavoidable, yes. No such activities that have zero risk. If you study comprehensively, you still have the risk to fail the exam. If you drive a car carefully, you still have the risk to get involved in accident. It is sunnahtullah (laws of nature) that everything has a risk, has trade-off. However, keep in mind that we can minimize risk, but never can we eliminate it. Thus, in choosing our lifetime partner, check his or her background, attitude, personality, religion, and other key areas. You will never find a man or woman that is 100% handsome, cute or perfect (zero-risk). You should ready to accept his or her weaknesses and be ready to share with his or her.
Do you know that Allah s.w.t. has given us a very powerful tool to choose our lifetime partner? Many of you know about this tool, but seldom use it. If you still encounter difficulty in choosing A, B, C or D to be your lifetime partner, or seeking guidance to choose the person, use this tool – Solat Istikharah. Recite this du’a;
Ya Allah, You have power (control) and I have no control and You know and I do not know, and You know the condition of the Unseen. Thus if You see (deem fit) that this woman/man [mention his/her name] is good for me concerning my Religion, world and Hereafter, then grant me his/her control (make it possible that I marry her) and if besides his/her there be another woman/man who is better for me concerning my Religion and Hereafter then specify his/her for me (grant me control over his/her).
He or she will be the person who will be the father or mother of your children, the one who will sleep with you not only one night, and the one who will be stand beside you most of the time in your life in this world. Therefore, as I mention earlier, this is the greatest decision in your as well as my life, and please, think and decide carefully!
- Men always want to be woman’s first love; women like to be a man’s last romance.
- We always believe our first love is our last, and our last love our first.
- Love is whole history of a woman’s life; it is not an episode in a man’s.
I would like to end this post with a question: Fikirkan, mengapa dalam Islam, adalah amat-amat digalakkan (lebih afdhal) jika bapa sendiri menikahkan anak perempuannya berbanding diwakilkan kepada kadi? Think carefully, because the answer is very interesting – it shows the wisdoms and logic of Islam, how beautiful is it! Two hints that I can give you – it is all about amanah (responsibility) and it is one of the reason why there were very-very few (or I should say, rare) divorce cases during the time of our parents and ancestors.
Selamat Tahun Baru 2009, Happy New Year! Above all, only Allah s.w.t knows the best. Wallahualam.