Santai : Lawak Bahasa Inggeris


Jika anda terasa agak ‘kaku’ untuk berfikir, apa kata anda rehatkan minda anda sebentar dengan membaca koleksi lawak dalam Bahasa Inggeris ini. Mungkin dengan sedikit gelak ketawa dapat memberi ketenangan kepada anda dan mungkin dapat memecah tembok kebuntuan di fikiran anda.

Koleksi lawak-lawak di bawah adalah dipetik daripada laman ‘Aku Stress Giler’.

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A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, “Order, order.” The drunkard immediately responded, “Thank you, your honour, I’ll have a scotch and soda.”

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Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Penang in two days time?
Post Master: Well it might do.
Customer: I bet you, it won’t.
Post Master: Why not?
Customer: It’s addressed to Johor.

——

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
“My trouble is,”he said, “that I keep forgetting things.”
“How long has this been going on?” asked the psychiatrist.
“How long has what been going on?” said the man.

——

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born.

——

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the KTMB.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

——

Diharap sedikit lawak di atas dapat menceriakan hari anda. :-)

Letter To The Management


IMPORTANT NOTE: No offense, just to lighten up your day, and of course, I have to warn, this joke is unsuitable for those under 18 guys and gals. Read it with an open mind, and it is all about playing with facts and words. If in any case you cannot understand, either you are underage or you are not ‘mature’ yet!

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One day, Penis think that he deserves more than what he had done, so he decided to write a letter to the management asking for a salary increase, which can be read below,

Dear management,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge head first into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to diseases.

Sincerely,
Handsome Penis

The management, of course, feel shocked and unhappy with the sudden request. After reading the letter, the management prepared a comprehensive reply, which is:

Dear Handsome Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight.
* You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative – you need to be  pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
* You will retire LONG before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
* And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0


QUESTION

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as EPL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and ESPN 2.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

———-

REPLY

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
IT Support

Bijak, Bijak!


Seorang guru, Cikgu Murni (Umur: 22) menghadapi masalah dengan salah seorang muridnya (Abu). Lalu guru ini bertanya kepada murid tersebut, “Apa sebenarnya masalah awak, Abu?” Lalu Abu menjawab, “Saya terlalu cerdik untuk berada di darjah 4,kakak saya menduduki UPSR dan saya lebih cerdik dari dia, maka saya seharusnya berada di tempat yang sama juga!”.

Cikgu Murni dah tak tertahan. Dia membawa Abu ke pejabat pengetua. Sementara Abu menunggu di ruang tamu, Cikgu Murni menerangkan keadaan tersebut kepada pengetua. Pengetua mengatakan yang dia akan memberikan ujian kepada Abu dan jika Abu gagal menjawab, maka Abu harus kekal di darjah 3 dan berkelakuan baik. Abu dibawa masuk ke pejabat Pengetua dan Cikgu Murni terangkan pada Abu dan Abu bersetuju untuk ambil ujian yang akan diberikan.

Pengetua: Apa 3 x 3?
Abu: 9

Pengetua: Apa 6 x 6?
Abu: 36

Pengetua terus bertanyakan soalan-soalan berdasarkan tahap pencapaian murid-murid UPSR dan si Abu mampu menjawab tiap soalan yang diberikan. Lalu pengetua memandang Cikgu Murni dan berkata, “Saya rasa murid ini sepatutnya berada di darjah 6”, Lalu Cikgu Murni berkata pada pengetua, “Saya ada soalan saya sendiri, boleh tak saya ajukan pada Abu?”. Pengetua dan Abu bersetuju.

Cikgu Murni: Apa yang lembu ada 4 di badan, tapi saya cuma ada dua?

Abu: (berfikir) Kaki

Cikgu Murni: Apa yang ada di dalam seluar kamu tapi tidak pada seluar saya?

Abu: Saku

Cikgu Murni: Apa yang bermula dengan huruf “K” akhir dengan “A”, ianya berbulu, berbentuk oval, nyaman dan mengandungi lapisan nipis keputihan?

Abu: Kelapa

Cikgu Murni: Apakah yang masuk keras dan berwarna “pink”, bila keluar lembik dan melekit?

Mata Pengetua terbuka luas dan sebelum sempat dia menahan, si Abu terus menjawab.

Abu: Gula-gula getah (Bubblegum)

Cikgu Murni: Apa yang mereka lakukan, lelaki secara berdiri, wanita secara duduk dan anjing secara tiga kaki?

Mata Pengetua sekali lagi terbuka sangat2 luas dan sebelum dia sempat hendak menahan si Abu terus menjawab.

Abu: Bersalaman

Cikgu Murni: Baik, sekarang saya akan ajukan soalan berbentuk siapakah saya, okay?

Abu: Baik Cikgu

Cikgu Murni: Awak memasukkan batang kedalam saya. Awak ikat saya untuk saya berdiri. Saya kebasahan sebelum awak.

Pengetua kelihatan resah dengan soalan yang diajukan oleh Cikgu Murni.

Abu: Khemah

Cikgu Murni: Jari memasuki saya. Awak menggesel-gesel saya bila awak teringatkan saya. Lelaki idaman akan mendapat saya dulu.

Pengetua semakin resah dan tidak selesa. Lantas terus meneguk segelas Nescafe 3 in 1.

Abu: Cincin perkahwinan

Cikgu Murni: Saya ada bermacam-macam saiz. Bila saya sakit saya akan meleleh. Bila saya keluar, banyak tisu yang akan digunakan. Bila awak hembuskan saya, akan berasa lega.

Sekali lagi pengetua rasa amat resah dengan soalan yang diajukan oleh Cikgu Murni dan ingin membantah, tapi si Abu mendahuluinya.

Abu: Hidung

Cikgu Murni: Saya batang yang keras. Hujungnya tajam. Saya akan datang dan masuk dengan lajunya.

Abu: Anak panah

Cikgu Murni: Sekarang saya akan ajukan soalan dalam Bahasa Inggeris, okay?

Abu: Okay

Cikgu Murni: What word starts with a ‘F’ and end in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?

Abu: Firetruck

Cikgu Murni: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if you don’t get it you have to use your hand.

Abu: Fork

Cikgu Murni: What is it that all men have one of. It’s longer on somemen than on others, the pope does not use his, and a man gives it to his wifeafter they are married?

Abu: Surname

Cikgu Murni: What part of the man has no bones but has muscles, lots of veins and loves pumping?

Abu: Heart

Pengetua menghembuskan nafas kelegaan bila mendengar jawapan yang diberikan oleh si Abu, lantas berkata “Baik hantar murid ini ke Universiti Malaya; jawapan yang saya fikirkan semuanya salah”.

—–

Tok Penghulu: Jika anda fikirkan ‘benda lain’ ketika membaca artikel ini, anda sememangnya berfikiran kuning! Haha! :-)

What is SEX?


Untuk orang-orang tua sahaja. Budak2 kecik TAK BOLEH BACA! Korang tak akan paham. I got this joke from one of my old friends. Read it folks…

QUESTION

What is Sex?

ANSWERS

  • According to doctors, sex is an illness, because if you have it you always end up on bed.
  • According to lawyers sex is an injustice, because there is always someone at the top and someone at the bottom.
  • According to architects sex is a mistake, because the entertainment area is too close to the waste pipe.
  • According to politicians sex is the perfect democracy, because both the one at the top and the one at the bottom are happy.
  • According to economists sex ain’t a good investment, because it is more what comes in than what goes out.
  • According to mathematicians sex is the perfect equation: the woman raises the member to its maximum power, encloses it in parenthesis, extracts its common factor and reduces it to its minimum expression.

No offense. Just for your stress relief! Hahaha :)